Meanfully Blogs

I’m getting bitter and scarier, or what means the same: older.  I’m turning 33 quite too soon. It hit me like a birthday cake in the face. One minute I was the youngest at work, the next  I’m staring down at the fact I could be the father of half of my workmates.  I might be feeling depressed about getting older as it forces me to face that I haven't figured out what I want to do with my life yet. Part of me still feels like that ambitious 19-year-old ready to conquer the world, but the rest? Well, let's just say my resume tells a different story - a string of entry-level jobs that leave me feeling stuck into the loop of anxiety, frustration, overwhelmingness, quitting and starting again. Recently, I decided to hit the pause button on this career treadmill. Anxiety had become a constant companion, and the cycle of "just keep going" wasn't working anymore. Even though I need to take a minute to get my head straight and everyone is saying that’s the best I can do, t...

The idea of a fresh start often holds immense allure. We picture ourselves basking in metaphorical sunshine, leaving behind the troubles that plagued us in our familiar surroundings. But as the saying goes, "The grass is always greener on the other side." This proverb holds a powerful truth: sometimes, the challenges we face are internal, and no amount of external change can truly solve them. This was the lesson my partner and I learned firsthand during a recent relocation to Spain. We naively believed a change of scenery would magically cure our struggles – my depression and his anxiety. Initially, the sunshine and new environment did have a positive impact. I felt a surge of energy, and socializing and work became easier. However, this honeymoon phase didn't last. Our internal demons, like unwelcome travel companions, decided to join us on this adventure. My partner, stuck in a job that didn't utilize his talents, grew increasingly frustrated. This negativity c...

  Let's be honest, mornings aren't always sunshine and rainbows. Today? Today was a straight-up "hit the snooze button ten times" kind of day. Three measly hours of sleep left me feeling like a zombie with a spinning head. The guilt monster started whispering in my ear as I texted my partner about bailing on work. Thankfully, he was his usual awesomeness and replied by being supportive and understanding. But here's the thing: guilt can be a sneaky little bugger. Even with a supportive partner, I couldn't shake the feeling of letting myself down. "Should I just power through?" I thought. "Is this what everyone else does?" Ugh. Maybe it was the recent burst of that "new job, new beginnings" bubble. Turns out, the reality wasn't quite the picture-perfect dream. Same work drama, just with passive-aggressive sprinkles instead of open hostility. Not exactly a recipe for workplace zen. Then there's the ever-present battle with...

Paradise Lost: A Cautionary Tale of Working Abroad Let's face it, sometimes we all get stuck in a rut. Mentally and geographically, that's exactly where my partner and I found ourselves. Seeking a fresh start, we took a job with accommodation in the Netherlands. It seemed like the perfect solution – a chance to escape and build some savings. Looking back, the warning signs were there, but desperation can cloud judgment. These agencies are masters of spin. Their recruiters paint a rosy picture, capitalizing on the fact that most applicants are in a vulnerable position. Proximity to work, high-quality housing – it all sounds idyllic. The reality, however, was far from it. Our "accommodation" turned out to be a dilapidated house in the middle of nowhere. Forget five kilometres from shops, our workplace was twenty! Hygiene standards were non-existent, and the "open-door policy" at work was a cruel joke. Speaking up about issues only led to retaliation, ...

                                                     The Unforgettable Expedition: Traveling with Depression as Your Co-Pilot Ah, travel! For some, it's a whirlwind adventure through exotic locales. For others, it's a chance to recharge and reconnect with oneself. But for those grappling with depression, it can feel like venturing into uncharted territory – with a particularly stubborn travel companion in tow. Imagine a roller coaster perpetually stuck on its descent, darkness shrouding the tracks ahead. That's the disorienting uncertainty of depression. You crave a change of scenery, a mental escape. So, you pack your metaphorical bags, picturing yourself basking on a sun-drenched beach, depression a distant memory. Lost in Translation: When Wanderlust and Depression Collide But depression, the ultimate travel party pooper, doesn't respect itineraries. ...

Here I go again, I´m going to quit another job. It´s a step up as at least I'm not getting fired.  The year I got into a deep depression I got fired from five jobs, it was something new as I was usually the one who quit the job. I've never been able to stay in the same company for more than six months, as I always have the feeling of being trapped or I get incredibly obsessed about something, and working in the same place becomes unbearable. And after a long time trying to understand myself, I've learned that I can be easily triggered when working in Hospitality, granted that took me a lot of jobs to confirm it, but finally, I got what's wrong with me. My traumas make it hard for me to work in that kind of environment, and it's fine. Not everybody is made for all types of jobs.  I used to think that changing my job was a good thing as I was always striving for something better, but to be honest I was just running away. Running away from commitment and the impostor s...

  Was I an addict before I was born?  Well, I'm not a scientist but every family I grew up with that had an addiction of some sort has at least one addict in each generation of the family. my mother, unfortunately, gave birth to 5 of us and each one of us is addicted to something. I won't talk for the rest I will only talk about myself. my addiction is Gambling. My mother's addiction was alcohol.  Are the two related?  As far as I've read there is a link to certain types of addictions being linked but as far as alcoholism and gambling the two are not linked together I have not read everything, but as far as I can see the addictions passed down are usually of substance rather than a gambling addiction.  I'm not sure I believe that but hey. It's the science right they never get things wrong. Can I blame my mother's fabulous genes for my addiction? or the trauma of growing up with an addict, I cannot. As far as I have read there is absolutely no link between ...

I had an accident at work, nothing too important. I just fell because a cleaner took a piece of a drainer from the floor leaving a hole and didn’t leave a sign, the joys. So, I asked for the company’s doctor as in Spain when you have a working accident you have to go to the company’s insurance doctor, my boss didn’t know about it, so I was told to take a taxi and try different medical centres until finding out which one is covering the company I’m working for. To sum up, it took me three hours since I had the accident and several calls to be seen by the doctor, luckily it's nothing serious, but this is going to leave a mark on me about how important I’m for the company I’m working for, I mean if I’m 5 minutes late they call me and they move earth and heaven to get to me, but if I injure myself, I’m on my own. This little story helps to talk about how mental health works in Spain, if you are struggling, you go to the GP and they’ll prescribe you antidepressants and benzodiazepines o...

So how it started,  I was hanging out with a new friend and she used to love going to the casino. For the most part, I found it boring and pointless because I thought it was a waste of money. But then I tried it one day. I put two euros into the machine and of course, I didn't think I was going to win anything that day but I said just let me try it.  The next day she went again, so I decided to go with her. This time I put five euros in and I won like 50 Quid. I thought that I won the lottery. After that, it kind of became a habit to go every day or at least when we had the money, I wasn't working at the time.  I was on social welfare so I was trying not to spend too much money down there but it became a thing where we go in and spend like five or ten euros and I thought I was in control of it but it very quickly became a point where I wouldn't have control about how much money I put in and I was living for the win Living For The Spins For the free games.  Living for...

My anxiety made me go vegetarian.  It may sound crazy, but a treat of anxiety is overthinking and boy, I'm a master of it. It wasn't the first time I went vegetarian. When I was a teenager I tried for a few months but it was hard without my family's support.  But this time was different, I was living almost alone in Ireland, as my roommate was more time travelling than at home so I used to spend a lot of time on my own, so one day I watch the typical video anti-meat, just after buying a lot of cold meat to fill up my fridge, and I felt terribly guilty about it. Now, with time I can see that it was the somatisation of my mental state, I wasn't well, but I didn't know yet.  There’s nothing wrong with being vegetarian as long as you don’t lecture everybody around you with endless guilt trips, I wasn’t one of those, tho. I just decided that eating meat was poisonous and very harmful. I did lots of research and started to take vitamins and learn about vegetable proteins....

  APRIL 11, 2023 I'm weaning off my medication, it's a quite short process, to be fair. Just three weeks, of course, I have to keep an eye on how I'm doing, but that's all it takes, based on my public health psychiatrist, I feel like she just told me that because she knows I'd probably go cold turkey. I’ve been seeing this psychiatrist for the last 6 months, it took me to reach my lowest point, being on the edge of a psychotic episode to be seen by a psychiatrist from the Spanish Medical system, because this is how it works: we visit a GP who prescribes everything and only send you to visit a specialist when you’re really fucked up, it’s not the best system to be fair, especially if you take into consideration that it’s the only Medical cover most of the population can afford. But leaving aside my ranting about the Spanish medical System, which will be discussed in a future blog, here I’m after visiting this psychiatrist for 6 months, I started being sceptical abou...

  MARCH 27, 2023 I’ve been having spasms when I go to sleep for the last two years. In the beginning, I thought it was shivers from the cold, we were living in Ireland at the moment in a damp house. But, then we moved to Spain and the spasms didn’t stop, plot twist… It’s anxiety. How can this be possible? I changed my whole life and still have the same issues. I told my GP about it, and he decided to prescribe me Alprazolam 5 mg as a sleeping pill, it’s the same composition as Xanax, I didn’t know at the time, I learned this the first time I met a psychiatrist and he decided to remove it due to the additive effects. Then, the spams came back, and of course some withdrawal symptoms, the joys of taking Xanax. And of course, lots of overthinking about having to use pills to sleep and the worry about having to rely on them.  This year has been stressful and my spams have become stronger, now every time that I go to sleep I suffer cramps, but somehow I manage to sleep, well I’m mos...

  MARCH 20, 2023 I'm planning to stop taking medication after the Summer and see how I get on with everything, I'm scared as fuck, as I don't want to go back to the abysm, that's what I call my depression, this last year had been one of the worst years of my life.   I haven't been able to keep a job for more than three weeks, I wasn't this bad when I was a teenager, I used to quit those jobs I didn't like but rarely get fired, but since I started this journey I got fired from five jobs in a year, it's a lot, and as I said before I tend to focus on the wrong, so I blamed the pills for it, thankfully my psychiatrist told me that probably the pills were the least of my problems, she was right, of course.   But, I still trying to make sense of the fact that when I decided to face my demons I wasn't able to work, at least to keep a job. I've been suffering anxiety my entire life, and somehow I've been able to be functional, not have the best ment...