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Beyond the Birthday Cake: Facing My Fears at 33



I’m getting bitter and scarier, or what means the same: older. 

I’m turning 33 quite too soon. It hit me like a birthday cake in the face. One minute I was the youngest at work, the next  I’m staring down at the fact I could be the father of half of my workmates. 

I might be feeling depressed about getting older as it forces me to face that I haven't figured out what I want to do with my life yet. Part of me still feels like that ambitious 19-year-old ready to conquer the world, but the rest? Well, let's just say my resume tells a different story - a string of entry-level jobs that leave me feeling stuck into the loop of anxiety, frustration, overwhelmingness, quitting and starting again.

Recently, I decided to hit the pause button on this career treadmill. Anxiety had become a constant companion, and the cycle of "just keep going" wasn't working anymore. Even though I need to take a minute to get my head straight and everyone is saying that’s the best I can do, the guilt is there “I’m not making money”, “I’m useless because I can’t keep the simplest jobs”, “what does it say about me?”. It's easy to get sucked into that negativity, feeling like I'm a broken machine with malfunctioning emotions. And just like that cherry on top of the cake hitting me, the physical stuff - the dizziness, the panic attacks - is all new and terrifying.  I just feel like something broke in my brain since I was on pills, difficult to tell as I asked for help and got blood tests done just to see that everything looks fine.

So on paper, I’m fine. But not everything on paper comes across that well, like the idea of taking a break, it sounds brilliant in theory. The reality, however, is messier.  The ever-present shadow of depression looms large on the back of my head, as there’s nothing that scares me more than going through it again. Getting out of bed some days feels like climbing Mount Everest, and the dizziness that had sent me crashing to the floor is a terrifying new development. So, taking a break comes more as a necessity than a smart decision.

Despite the darkness, there's a bright spot. My partner is my rock, a beacon of strength in this storm. She’s doing amazing, and on days like today, I just feel like a burden, a black cloud over her trapped in a cycle of negativity. I have lots of good days but these feelings had never left me I just have little breaks from my misery.
Even I ask myself how I manage to carry on most of the days. I don't have all the answers, but here's what I do know: talking helps. Whether it's to friends, family, or even writing it all out like I am now. Don't be afraid to reach out for support. This is my story, and I'm still figuring it out. If any part of this resonates with you, know you're not alone.

Maybe a good night's sleep and some honest conversations are all I need to get back on track. Maybe it's more. But one thing's for sure, I'm done feeling like a walking contradiction. It's time to find my centre again before I turn 34.



Mental health services and support in Ireland:
https://www2.hse.ie/mental-health/services-support/supports-services/

Access to registered, trained, and experienced Practitioner Psychologists, Counsellors online:
https://www.betterhelp.com/

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